


The Only Thing Holding Me Back Is You

by Curupia



Series: Broken Arrow - Alec Lightwood: A Study in Agony [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x18 Inside Alec's head, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Angst, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, all the hurt none of the comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 12:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11760231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curupia/pseuds/Curupia
Summary: Ironic. That the thing Magnus feared the most was also what Alec had been afraid of. What he’d always somewhat known, in that little part of his mind that he tried so hard to silence. The voice that being with Magnus had almost silenced. That he, Alexander Lightwood, was both too much and not enough for the person he loved.Too much: too demanding, too needy, to inexperienced, too apt to making mistakes, too draining, too useless.Not enough: not good enough, at being a boyfriend, at being a leader, at being an ally. Not strong enough for Magnus to want to lean on, not open enough for Magnus to want to pour himself into. The little bit he had – which was everything he had – wasn’t enough to keep them together, wasn’t worth the effort.He wasn’t worth the effort.





	The Only Thing Holding Me Back Is You

**Author's Note:**

> Um, sorry? Look, I tried to stay away from all the pain and suffering that this fandom is going through right now. The LAST thing I planned to do was contribute to it. But I had a shitty week and unfortunately, my coping mechanism to deal with pain is writing pain so that others may share in it. You're welcome. Let's be honest, if you weren't just as masochistic as me, you wouldn't have clicked on this fic anyway, so we can all stop pretending and just share the tissues already.

Ironic. That the thing Magnus feared the most was also what Alec had been afraid of. What he'd always somewhat known, in that little part of his mind that he tried so hard to silence. The voice that being with Magnus had almost silenced. That he, Alexander Lightwood, was both too much and not enough for the person he loved. 

Too much: too demanding, too needy, to inexperienced, too apt to making mistakes, too draining, too useless.

Not enough: not good enough, at being a boyfriend, at being a leader, at being an ally. Not strong enough for Magnus to want to lean on, not open enough for Magnus to want to pour himself into. The little bit he had – which was everything he had – wasn't enough to keep them together, wasn't worth the effort.

 _He_ wasn’t worth the effort.

He wanted to fight it. Of course he wanted to fight it. Wanted to scream at Magnus, to beg and plead with him – to reach out to him and hold on and never let go. But he didn’t, because he couldn't. He  _wouldn't_. If this was what Magnus wanted, then he wouldn't make it any harder on the both by asking Magnus to change his mind. Obviously he'd thought this through. Who was Alec to second guess his judgement? What argument could Alec make that Magnus wouldn't have already thought of? Alec didn't want to let him go, but he also couldn't stand the thought of Magnus staying with him out of pity or obligation. He knew that he wasn’t worth more than Magnus’s responsibility to his people. He hadn’t deserved Magnus’s attentions before they were on the brink of war, but now? Now there were a million and one things more important than his own desires. Mainly, at this moment, Magnus’s. Magnus knew what he wanted and Alec had to accept that he was not it. He made Magnus's life harder; his actions, his  _mistakes_ , hurt Magnus. Alec wouldn't want to be with himself either. He'd never imagined anyone would, not even for the brief moment he and Magnus had shared. It was more than he'd ever thought he'd get, and it was nowhere near enough, but it would have to be. It was all he was going to get _._

_It was more than he deserved._

There was no convincing Magnus that he was wrong, because he wasn't. Alec knew, felt it in the tightening of his solar plexus, in the tingling at the base of his spine, in the prickling of his fingertips. He knew Magnus was better off without him.

_People generally were._

Everything he did just seemed to make things worse. How could he wish that on Magnus? He couldn't. He didn't. He didn't wish himself on anyone, let alone the man who had every piece of his inadequate heart.

So he didn’t call out. He didn’t reach for Magnus as the man walked away; didn’t try to change his mind or persuade him to stay. He had failed Magnus in every other way, the least he could do was respect his decision.

But it still hurt.  _Angel did it hurt._

Every step Magnus took shattered another piece of something inside of Alec, until, by the time he reached the elevator, it felt like there was nothing left to shatter – nothing left but dust and ashes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought - especially if it hurt.


End file.
